|Front Row Monthly|
Boy, oh boy, am I honoured? Today, we have Adam Hornyak from the utterly glamorous and entertaining on-line magazine, Front Row Monthly (which also has a superb section - Front Row Lit). Don't you dare go and look at it straight away or you'll not come back and hear what Adam has to say!
Adam, welcome to my humble blog. I'll get straight down to it and ask the usual light-hearted questions so we get to know you a little first.
‘Dirty Dancing’ or ‘Grease’? No question ‘Grease’. The scene with Olivia Newton John at the end, wearing the tight leather pants is a pre-pubescent teens’ dream. Dirty Dancing’s best looking cast member was Jerry Orbach, and maybe some kids can masturbate to that, but not this guy.
Mr Potato Head or Matchbox cars?
Matchbox cars for sure. I don’t have any kids of my own (surprise, surprise), but I do have three beautiful nieces. When I buy them toys, I always buy them stuff that I personally want to play with. As a child, I didn’t have the dexterity or patience to build the ultimate race track, but now, I get the chance to do it with my nieces and not look like the creepy old man with a race car collection.
Can you tell us a short joke?
“How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Give the bitch a shovel."
What is your favourite comedy show on television? It isn’t on the air any longer, but I found Arrested Development to be the smartest humour of any program ever on television. Watching all three seasons over and over, as a writer, it felt like they had it scripted out from start to finish from day one. It’s very impressive, and I wish their following would have grown from a clique to a more mainstream audience.
|Not sure about this look?|
Should I get Hubby to try it out?
What was the most fashionable haircut you ever sported?
A rat tail. The year was 1985. Knight Rider was all the rage, and “We Are the World” was rocking the airwaves as a young Adam Hornyak decided it was a good idea to cut his hair like a moron. The sad part is that I currently see people at my local grocery store trying to pull it off in their 40’s. Another one was the completely shaved head look that I tried in college. I worked out like a madman, grew a 5-inch goatee and eliminated every drop of hair on my head (then, for shits and giggles, I signed up for the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program, and to my disgust, they gave me a kid). The tricky part of shaving your head is that you don’t know you have a cone head until the hair is completely gone. I quickly realized that I could juice an orange on mine.
What one mad thing would you like to do before you are too old to do it? I would like to copyright the design for a tool that my father recently created called “Hoe-on-a-Stick”. My dad, the consummate thinker, had to move some rocks from a distance due to a beehive, so he took a very long pool skimmer, removed the net, and duct tapped a garden hoe head to it. In reality, it didn’t work at all, but we’ll fudge that fact in the inevitable infomercial.
What is your happiest childhood memory? Seriously speaking here, I have always loved watching my parents dance. Even to this day, seeing them dancing to their favourite songs brings a tear to my eye.
You are at a zoo - what enclosure would you head to first?
Is there a bar at this particular zoo? I'm not a zoo person per se. The mixed scents of children and wild animal shit disturb me. I suppose if I had to choose, I would have to say the tiger exhibit because it is fun to throw things at them and watch them get pissed off.
Sorry, my eyes are watering at the thought of squeezing oranges on your 'cone head'. Onto you and what you do. You used to write humour for a humorous website but got snapped up by Front Row Monthly to provide a monthly column entitled Train Wrecked. Could you tell the readers a little about Front Row Monthly?
Front Row Monthly offers up an extraordinarily diverse amount of content that most magazines can’t seem to pull off. Fashion is certainly our bread and butter, but we also have fantastic writers like Leigh Morrow Calhoun who writes about art, Matt Caruso who writes a great humour column, and David Waselkow, who talks about topics that make people think about themselves. We try hard to please as many people as we can, and I think we do a wonderful job of it. As far as literature goes, we are making a very concerted effort to start including more and more authors and guest bloggers into our main site page. Over the next few months, you will see a tremendous difference in what we are putting out there, especially from the literary standpoint.
I understand you are not just a pretty face and you write too. What genre do you write?
Pretty face is an understatement, my dear. J. I write about my life. I’ve written stories about my horrible relationships with women, STD’s that have unfortunately crossed my path, and my wild family (amongst many other things). The fact is that my superpower is being able to find humour in almost anything in my life, sometimes in areas that may make the average person cringe.
The stuff I write is not for everyone, and some don’t get it which is fine with me. My testicle swelling up to the size of a baseball is not something that everyone is comfortable with reading, or the fact that an ex-girlfriend recently called me to kill her cat. I’m a magnet for trouble in my real life, so I don’t have to really lie to people. I just tell the story as it happens, hopefully in a way that will make you laugh.
I get my sense of humour from my parents. My dad is the funniest and quickest person I know. My mother is very funny as well, but also genuinely angry at the most mundane of things (grocery store cookies will get her riled in a split second). Somehow, I managed to corral the two personalities into my own and luckily have had the ability to express myself in a comical fashion. There is nothing more satisfying than making my parents laugh.
Could you please put a few brief words about you - something that doesn’t show up on other websites. Surprise us! I have a penchant for beef jerky. I love to dry beef, and I love to eat it. If you make out with me voraciously enough, I can guarantee that you will end up with at least a 30% chance of getting 2-day old jerky caught in YOUR teeth.
You can't beat a good sense of humour! Hubby has one and gets riled at grocery stores, or indeed any shops, so I guess he'd get on really well with your mother. (He's not keen on dancing though.)
Adam it really has been a huge pleasure to have you here and learn more about you and Front Row Monthly. Thank you so much for dropping by.
You can read Adam's articles and so much more at Front Row Monthly which I highly recommend to you. If you would like to learn more about the magazine or about Adam click below when Ceri, the editor of loveahappyending.com interviewed him earlier this year.
Front Row Monthly, www.frontrowmonthly.com
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